False Start?

Well, it has been 17 days since last I wrote. My new found resolve was quickly misplaced. Argh. Not only misplaced in my attempt at better journaling but in the healthier me. Started out fine and found myself quickly dwindling. I hate to say this but one of my biggest stumbling blocks is that dear husband of mine. Even though he could stand to lose a few pounds, he really isn’t feeling led to do so. And I, being the weak willed person I am, find myself following his lead. He did “voice” interest when I threatened to join Jenny Craig. He hates it when I spend money. ;)

So, the first week and a half I found myself down 6 pounds. I felt good about that. Stepped on the scale today and I’m up four bringing my total to 2 pounds lost in 17 days. NOT feeling good about that. So, as much as I think Sparkpeople is a wonderful tool it is meant for more disciplined people and I am NOT that. So I joined Weight Watchers again today. One of the things I like about WW is the point system, which for someone lazy like myself, is a gift since they have done most of the work for me. I have also packed away ALL of my regular cookbooks. Not even one of them is out. I am now down to the half dozen or so healthier cookbooks to use. I have even started to go through them page by page with my little points calculator and am entering the point value of each recipe I would actually use. This should make it easier for me on the long haul. I got out the water bottles to start carrying around with myself for proper hydration and a sense of fullness. I have my fit & fresh containers out and will be using them to their fullest potential along with my measuring cups and spoons. It is amazing how much we misjudge amounts when done by the eye.

I feel pretty crappy about one thing about myself. I am a great starter but have real issues getting to the finish line. I’m not sure what it is that makes that so. I know I do battle with lack of confidence in myself, which could be playing a major role. If I can manage to focus on just keeping this journal up maybe in the days ahead I can unravel this mystery.

I have neglected to mention that I got the all clear on exercise. No damage to my heart, that is worth celebrating. So, I have had that all clear for a solid week. You guessed it; I have not done a bit of exercise. Ok, so it starts today…the walking program. I don’t care if I just walk around the block a few times it is at least a starting point. I would like to walk 4-5 days a week. I know we are about to hit another heat streak so I may have to get up early before the heat or wait until after sundown, either way as long as I follow through.

When I first started blogging I had not thought it would actually start to have a main focus but apparently that is exactly where I am being led to. Hey, I just realized that how I started is really kind of a comment on how I have lived my life. Kind of haphazard. Time to stay aware of that and make some changes.

I can, and I will do this.

The Road to Often Travelled

There is nothing in the world like that feeling when someone believes in you. I’m pretty sure it can only be topped on the day I can finally believe in myself.

I’m not sure why I continue to have small fragments of myself that continue to not want to fit into my whole being. The brokenness that happened inside of me from a horrendous childhood followed by a destructive first marriage and then a marriage torn apart by addiction, is still under repair. The epitome of a work in progress.

Ok, so I had this super big eye opener last week when I ended up in the emergency room with what they thought was a heart attack. Thankfully…it wasn’t. But that doesn’t make me in the clear yet. I have a ton of tests to do and a lifestyle to change. Enter me trying to once again eat healthy and exercise. Hmmm. Well, for the very first time in my life I have been studying about proper nutrition. Not the latest diet fad or some get thin quick gimmick, but honest to goodness nutrition. I found out I’m everything you’re not supposed to be doing. Who’d a thunk? The exercise thing is on hold until I get the result for my stress test but I am going to start with something realistic like a walking program. Even I can walk and there is no special equipment required. ;)

One thing I have done for myself is join Sparkpeople.com again. If ever there is a place to get encouragement that is it. It is a little difficult to get that from the immediate family anymore since the dozens of other attempts I’ve tried were quickly put on the wayside to the point my talking about getting healthy has become white noise. I don’t blame them one bit. I roll my eyes when I hear myself say it. But…this time…I have to. There may not be any other chances.

One of the things I can admit about myself is that I am an emotional eater. Masterfully I will fill myself up so that I can replace the feelings I’m trying to avoid with the guilt of having just eaten. Yea, I’m weird like that. So one of the obstacles I need to overcome is the stress I feel with school. Particularly, math. It is my Achilles heel. I get to feeling so frustrated, inadequate and just plain stupid that I find myself standing in front of an open refrigerator getting frostbite. I need to accept the fact that I struggle with math and that tutoring and patience will get me over this hurdle just like eating right and exercise will get me over the weight hurdle. So how do I do that? Daily remind myself of that. Allow myself to be human for goodness sakes. Turn off those old tapes inside of my head that try to convince me I can’t do anything right. And who the hell recorded those in there in the first place?

I find it ironic that both of my issues are with numbers. They are both about manipulation. One is how to work an equation and the other is how to reduce the total. I have been so embarrassed by the number of pounds I need to lose. Why? It is my reality at the moment but it doesn’t have to be my reality tomorrow. I have 62 pounds to lose. That is the most I have ever had to lose in my life. Remember when Oprah did the whole bit with the wagon full of lard to show what her weight loss looked like? Yeah, that. Not pretty. I can’t get that image out of my head. But….it is what I am carrying around on my body and that is overworking my heart and other organs. Time to get rid of it.

I think journaling is going to be a huge part of my journey. Reminders to myself about the moment, the goals, and the why. So, here I am again.