False Start?

Well, it has been 17 days since last I wrote. My new found resolve was quickly misplaced. Argh. Not only misplaced in my attempt at better journaling but in the healthier me. Started out fine and found myself quickly dwindling. I hate to say this but one of my biggest stumbling blocks is that dear husband of mine. Even though he could stand to lose a few pounds, he really isn’t feeling led to do so. And I, being the weak willed person I am, find myself following his lead. He did “voice” interest when I threatened to join Jenny Craig. He hates it when I spend money. ;)

So, the first week and a half I found myself down 6 pounds. I felt good about that. Stepped on the scale today and I’m up four bringing my total to 2 pounds lost in 17 days. NOT feeling good about that. So, as much as I think Sparkpeople is a wonderful tool it is meant for more disciplined people and I am NOT that. So I joined Weight Watchers again today. One of the things I like about WW is the point system, which for someone lazy like myself, is a gift since they have done most of the work for me. I have also packed away ALL of my regular cookbooks. Not even one of them is out. I am now down to the half dozen or so healthier cookbooks to use. I have even started to go through them page by page with my little points calculator and am entering the point value of each recipe I would actually use. This should make it easier for me on the long haul. I got out the water bottles to start carrying around with myself for proper hydration and a sense of fullness. I have my fit & fresh containers out and will be using them to their fullest potential along with my measuring cups and spoons. It is amazing how much we misjudge amounts when done by the eye.

I feel pretty crappy about one thing about myself. I am a great starter but have real issues getting to the finish line. I’m not sure what it is that makes that so. I know I do battle with lack of confidence in myself, which could be playing a major role. If I can manage to focus on just keeping this journal up maybe in the days ahead I can unravel this mystery.

I have neglected to mention that I got the all clear on exercise. No damage to my heart, that is worth celebrating. So, I have had that all clear for a solid week. You guessed it; I have not done a bit of exercise. Ok, so it starts today…the walking program. I don’t care if I just walk around the block a few times it is at least a starting point. I would like to walk 4-5 days a week. I know we are about to hit another heat streak so I may have to get up early before the heat or wait until after sundown, either way as long as I follow through.

When I first started blogging I had not thought it would actually start to have a main focus but apparently that is exactly where I am being led to. Hey, I just realized that how I started is really kind of a comment on how I have lived my life. Kind of haphazard. Time to stay aware of that and make some changes.

I can, and I will do this.

The Road to Often Travelled

There is nothing in the world like that feeling when someone believes in you. I’m pretty sure it can only be topped on the day I can finally believe in myself.

I’m not sure why I continue to have small fragments of myself that continue to not want to fit into my whole being. The brokenness that happened inside of me from a horrendous childhood followed by a destructive first marriage and then a marriage torn apart by addiction, is still under repair. The epitome of a work in progress.

Ok, so I had this super big eye opener last week when I ended up in the emergency room with what they thought was a heart attack. Thankfully…it wasn’t. But that doesn’t make me in the clear yet. I have a ton of tests to do and a lifestyle to change. Enter me trying to once again eat healthy and exercise. Hmmm. Well, for the very first time in my life I have been studying about proper nutrition. Not the latest diet fad or some get thin quick gimmick, but honest to goodness nutrition. I found out I’m everything you’re not supposed to be doing. Who’d a thunk? The exercise thing is on hold until I get the result for my stress test but I am going to start with something realistic like a walking program. Even I can walk and there is no special equipment required. ;)

One thing I have done for myself is join Sparkpeople.com again. If ever there is a place to get encouragement that is it. It is a little difficult to get that from the immediate family anymore since the dozens of other attempts I’ve tried were quickly put on the wayside to the point my talking about getting healthy has become white noise. I don’t blame them one bit. I roll my eyes when I hear myself say it. But…this time…I have to. There may not be any other chances.

One of the things I can admit about myself is that I am an emotional eater. Masterfully I will fill myself up so that I can replace the feelings I’m trying to avoid with the guilt of having just eaten. Yea, I’m weird like that. So one of the obstacles I need to overcome is the stress I feel with school. Particularly, math. It is my Achilles heel. I get to feeling so frustrated, inadequate and just plain stupid that I find myself standing in front of an open refrigerator getting frostbite. I need to accept the fact that I struggle with math and that tutoring and patience will get me over this hurdle just like eating right and exercise will get me over the weight hurdle. So how do I do that? Daily remind myself of that. Allow myself to be human for goodness sakes. Turn off those old tapes inside of my head that try to convince me I can’t do anything right. And who the hell recorded those in there in the first place?

I find it ironic that both of my issues are with numbers. They are both about manipulation. One is how to work an equation and the other is how to reduce the total. I have been so embarrassed by the number of pounds I need to lose. Why? It is my reality at the moment but it doesn’t have to be my reality tomorrow. I have 62 pounds to lose. That is the most I have ever had to lose in my life. Remember when Oprah did the whole bit with the wagon full of lard to show what her weight loss looked like? Yeah, that. Not pretty. I can’t get that image out of my head. But….it is what I am carrying around on my body and that is overworking my heart and other organs. Time to get rid of it.

I think journaling is going to be a huge part of my journey. Reminders to myself about the moment, the goals, and the why. So, here I am again.

Life's Seasons

Is it just me or does 2010 seem to be going by at break neck speeds? In a few days it will be November?? Really?? It needs to slow down a bit. I’m just not ready.

Ready. Hmmm…are we ever ready? I know the life changes going on for me these last several months there was no way I have been ready for. And some of it I actually attempted to do so. Like how my kids are leaving the nest. I now have one baby chick, Kelsey, left. Perry left in May and Zoe in August. To top it off Zoe is now half way around the world visiting her oldest sister, Erin, in Germany and they have jaunted off to Ireland. I have barely adjusted to Zoe being out of the house let alone out of country. But, I am so glad that God gave me what I needed to raise these kids to be adventurous and to follow dreams. As hard as it is on a mama’s nerves sometimes….it is what is best for them. Hold them in love but never hold them possessively.

Well autumn is finally upon us. We all know how much I love fall and winter. Today is especially nice because the temps are where I needed to build a fire in the wood stove and the wind is making that nice howling sound as it grabs hold of the crimson and golden leaves off the trees carrying them off in a swirl of kaleidoscope colors. I find myself, hands wrapped around my steaming coffee mug, just lingering at the window watching nature show us how vibrant this stage in the life cycle can be.

Wow, I am in the autumn of my life. I hadn’t stopped to consider that before. I always thought that once I reached this stage that somehow I would be wiser and more solid in who I am. But I continue to have endless questions and I always seem to be a work in progress. Am I vibrant like autumn? Not too sure about that but I can sure howl like the wind. I guess that when I step away and take a look at myself though I can see where my life is like that of autumn. All around are reminders of a productive spring and summer and the best fruit to come from it being my children. Like fall I am a bit battered around the edges but like those few stubborn flowers that won’t give in until the first snow, I am still here and still reaching heavenward in faith and endurance.

Anyway, now that the cooler hunker down and enjoy days are here I think I may be writing my thoughts down again. Which means anyone stumbling across my little blog here will be subjected to nothing more than ramblings. Nothing profound or intellectual. Just a woman of 50 flitting about like a leaf in the wind.

Walking the Dog

It is a gorgeous spring day out. Sunny, warm but not too warm with a light breeze. The laundry, specifically all my bedding, is out on the line taking advantage of both that sun and breeze and I can’t wait to climb between the sheets tonight sniffing in the smell of it as I drift off. Yum…sweet dreams tonight.

I was outside a bit ago because my golden wanted a visit to the backyard as dogs are inclined to want to do. I was annoyed at first that I had to take her out running through my mind why it is dogs can’t be litter trained when it was that I stepped out there and changed my thought pattern to why the heck haven’t I been out here more this morning? (That sentence passed spell and grammar check…can you believe it? And I kept it only because it tickles me that it did) We walked about the yard a bit, again..as dogs are inclined towards, and I started paying attention to all the work that needs to be done around here. Our yard is a nightmare. What we have managed to get to grow in this clay and rock pit is looking rather pitiful and needs to be cleaned up. The azalea bushes next to the shed are in full bloom. There is one on either side of the door. The one on the right is about twice the size as the one on the left. Every year I trim to try to get them the same size and without fail by the following year the other one has shot past the other in size. It is as if that is the one spot in the whole entire half acre that is fertile and it wants to show off. I have a hydrangea in the raised bed that used to share its area with my lily of the valley and a blue hosta but now the hydrangea is attempting to evict the other tenants or kill them trying. There is this out of place little birch that was planted at the end of the clothesline, which by the way is tilting badly and needs new posts, just to amuse the girls about 7 years ago who found this itty-bitty sprout in the raised bed that they wanted to plant so it could grow. We planted it there assuming it would die before summers end. The rascal didn’t. It is now about 10 feet tall and should never have been planted where it is because it is too close to other trees not to mention the afore mentioned clothesline. Birds and clean laundry….ya get the picture? I’m not looking forward to this eventuality. But as the tree grew it was a victory for the girls I didn’t have the heart to squash and even now that they are adults….well….it earned it and I’m not going to uproot the darn thing.

Then there is the monster that we lovingly refer to as the “boat deck”. About 6 years ago we rebuilt our deck. What my hubby did with the old wood from the previous deck was to give it a new life as a…..boat deck. He needed somewhere to put his boat. It worked real dandy as a boat deck. Then about 4-5 years ago….he sold the boat. Sigh. So now this monster has been a collecting ground for all sorts of items. Bikes, grills, smokers, truck caps…..it is now a redneck sculpture of items. All that is missing is a cooler of beer and an old sofa. All of those items need to find a home and then we need to tear out the boat deck. The chipmunks that have used this as a haven will not be happy.

There are shrubs that need pruning, sad looking flower beds that need weeding. I’ve never understood how it is I can’t get want I want to grow in the yard to grow but I have the hardiest, nastiest most prolific weeds you’ll ever want to see taking up every available space. I’ve had to take a hand axe to get some of them out. We are within 30 minutes of a nuclear power plant…..connection???

I’ve mentioned on my facebook that my deck furniture is worn out. A friend got me to look at that different and label it shabby sheek instead. It is sitting on a deck with the stain peeling off of it so it is a completely tied in look at least. Ha!
Hold on….I think I was attempting to write and say how gorgeous it was outside and how I’m glad my dog had me go out so I could enjoy it……But suddenly I’m realizing I should be annoyed with the little mutt for making me take inventory so that my to-do list just got like a million miles longer.

Ok, so our yard is a mess. Hopefully the neighbors will forgive us. Hmmm….maybe that is why so many have moved recently?? Luckily many of them haven’t been on the inside……zoicks….again…it is all a tied in look. I'd post a picture of it but why ruin whatever good images some of you may have of me. LOL

Vacations

Have you ever noticed it takes time to recover from a vacation? Bob and I had just five, wonderful days away, but they were full days and I have been plain exhausted since our return. Too exhausted to even formulate a thought it seems.

Savannah is hands down my favorite place to go. Well, at least so far. It isn’t like I’ve been to hundreds of places for comparison. But to date…it is Savannah. One of the appeals, and it isn’t limited to just Savannah but to most of the south, is the friendliness of the people. No one seems to be in a rush or closed off. Everyone is taking their time and glad to meet you and sit a spell to talk. How can one not love that?

Then there is the food. I think we spent the majority of our time there eating. To their famous candy shops on River Street to the fabulous seafood on Tybee Island of course to the BBQ joints to be found everywhere…there is food. We had toyed with the idea of eating lunch at The Lady and Sons one afternoon but opted against it because they do not take reservations for a party under 10 and we were not about to waste a couple of hours of our valuable time waiting in line for a table. We walked by there and there were dozens of people willing to do just that. One thing Bob and I are not is celebrity chasers. We figured we could get a good fried chicken just about anywhere without the hassle. I’m sure Paula Deen is a lovely lady…we just didn’t want to use up precious time in a line.

I had not realized how desperately I needed a vacation until we got there. We arrived and stress seemed to just slip off of me like a glove. The whole trip went about without a hitch. Oh, and our car rental was a Chrysler 300. Now…I drive a Chrysler Pacifica which for me is doing it up. But the 300 was COMFY. Leather interior and Sirius stereo and all the other little extras. For the first day we were feeling like little snots driving that car around. By day two we were saying how the car wasn’t a bit practical. We are tightwads to the end. LOL

There were so many stories that happened along the way with this trip. People stories. Mostly good… some with sadness. The sad is regardless of the city you will find homelessness. When I see it my heart aches and remembers. My own homelessness was so luxurious compared to so many others. But that is for another day to tell.

This trip was such a blessing and I thank God for the abundance of those blessings. From the weather being perfect right down to the small things like finding parking spots close to where we were going in every situation. I will try to remember to tell more in days ahead but for now I am still fighting fatigue and the windchimes are calling to me on the deck beckoning me to pull up a chair and be lulled into sleep.
A picture of the fountain at Forsyth Park.

Ramblings

Ok, so my first day back to dieting wasn’t very successful. My daughter made a batch of no-bake cookies and those are a temptation I have no strength to resist. I ended up sitting in front of the tv watching a chick flick with a huge glass of milk and a number of those sinful morsels. It was comfort all the way baby. So, do I chalk this up as a last fling before stepping back into some discipline? Consider it chalked.

I spent a great deal of time yesterday scanning all the area pet societies trying to find me a new kitty. I miss my cat Kannah so badly (she passed away on my birthday a few weeks ago) and not having a cat curled up with me in bed at night is unsettling. My girls both have their cats but those cats sleep with them. I need my own little fluff ball. As much as I would love to acquire another Persian I don’t think that is going to happen soon so instead I am trying to find a cat with enough of that prissy attitude to call my own. I just know there has to be a cat out there just for me.
I took the time to alos scan through Netflix to find some exercise videos to download to my blu-ray. I now have 6 of those little jewels waiting for me to load them and use them. (Note that instead I watched a chick flick last night LOL) I WILL use these. I also have a bunch of healthy/weight loss apps loaded onto my IPod Touch waiting to be utilized. I can even access my WW account through this now so I have no excuse to not be keeping track even when I’m away from the house. I am systematically going down the list of my usual excuses and putting into place resources, tools…what have you…that effectively eliminate those excuses. Smart and brutal all at the same time.

Spring. It is all around us. I am loving seeing all the daffodils, forsythia and the budding trees. All my flower beds are showing about 2-3 inches worth of growth on various plants already. Time to get out there and tidy things up a bit. Have some root division I need to do and some general transplanting due to some plants having outgrown their areas. Took a peek at the azalea and I’m hoping they will be full of bloom again before too long. It has been so nice. We probably have only a couple more evenings worth of fire in the woodstove before we clean that up for the season. What an exciting time of the year. Spring and fall are the two seasons with the most hustle and I love them both.

Well, today I am going to sort through some pictures we have on disk. Like a bagillion disks. I received one of those digital picture frames as a gift awhile back and I haven’t taken it out of the box yet. Thought maybe I’d load it up and have it sitting on my desk for some ahhhh moments.

Here is a picture of my dear sweet Kannah that I had for 15 wonderful years. I miss her.

Let's Get Started Again

Ok, I have had it with my preoccupation of late. When last I posted here I was actually sticking to my diet, getting some exercise, chartering our expenses, doing class work, participating in some groups and just in general functioning at full capacity. In the last month since being told to get my butt to CT stat the whirlwind of it all has had me on idle. I do not like this and it is going to stop.

Yes, I have more tests to undergo before they can tell me what it is they found. With each test I clear it is looking less and less like the cancer they and I originally feared which is freaking AWESOME!!! I know that prayer has helped with all of this and when it is all done I’m sure they are going to find a reasonable explanation for the whole thing. And the part that makes it all worth it is to have two doctors tell me they are stunned they didn’t find the original cancer they thought it was. Power of prayer baby…power of prayer. I’m confident this is going to turn out alright.

I will walk away from this whole experience better for it. The insight this has given me is priceless. Never again will I respond in the old way to someone fearing or fighting cancer. This has been an interesting road traveled.

But back to what I originally was saying. I intend to take back my life. I want to be back to what I was doing and then some. I want to feel energy again. When you allow yourself to focus….no…dwell…on one thing…it can sap the energy right out of you. Life is supposed to be a buffet…..go out and sample it all!!

So…first course is back to my WW and until I find out more about my condition, some light exercise. That in itself should help with my energy levels. Back to writing in my blog…that helps clear the mind and prioritize with intent. Back to my being the finance guru. It is the ant mentality and discipline that builds stability. Back to going full tilt in all the groups I am part of. Looking outside oneself is what makes a better me. And more and more as I can add it.

Every day is a gift.

Life is hectic!!

Well life is somewhat settling into its usual hectic pace instead of chaotic. As I type this the new carpet is being installed. Yeehaw!!! It has been a long time coming. I have the dogs crated so as to not disturb the installers and the dachshund is barking the entire time which has had me searching online about bark collars ;)

Erin and Jerry are now settled nicely in Germany. They get to move into housing on the 9th and were able to purchase their second car over the weekend. Erin secretly always wanted a BMW and now has one. Now she plans on taking frequent trips down the Autobahn. LOL

Bob and I were able to enjoy a wonderful Valentine’s weekend away at Sandy Cove Resort. I LOVE that place. The weekends topic was on the Five Seasons of Marriage. That’s right…five. It was very enlightening and uplifting.

So, I have not written for quite awhile because of visitors, trips and all the chaos of trying to fix up the house. Argh! And…I can’t think straight with all the noise of the installers to be able to write anything of substance now. I just keep thinking that there is a lot of bare floor and two men between me and my chocolate right now. LOL

Just saying hi and I will attempt to write tomorrow.

Footpaths- A repost

Just one more repost. Just going through stuff cleaning up and found this to share from my earlier writings. Hope no one minds.


Thursday, May 8, 2008
Footpaths
When I was young, really young, during that age where all of life is a mystery and absorbed through the senses in a much deeper way than now after much desensitization, I was a voyager. I remember actually thinking how I wanted to unravel the wonders of this planet and its origins. I wanted to meet the designer and discuss the whys. My vocabulary was a tad bit limited at the time but the thought process and motivation was very much present.

The vocabulary has expanded slightly, the senses have lost some of their strength and I can say that going to port would be more my speed now than a hard rode voyage. I still do want to meet the designer, although in some respects I have, and I still have the “whys” stumbling around in my head. Someday I know I’ll have those answers.

Lately I find myself flipping through memories. Much of it is triggered with sensory stimuli. I was having lunch at work the other day when the smell of the hot asphalt brought me back umpteen years. That was such a regular summer smell where I grew up. Most of our roads had been of the gravel variety, hard on tires and windshields not to mention feet. But for a few summers the town was laying down road with a fever pitch. I had the misfortune of stepping on one of those roads too soon after having been laid down because of my insatiable curiosity. I was a female Huck Finn of sorts and there was no way you could get me to put shoes on my feet if it were optional for the day. Well for a few days afterwards shoes were NOT an option. Blisters saw to that.

There was another smell that always lingered and mingled with the asphalt. I think they called it creosote. I could be wrong. Probably am. But it was the smell that radiated off the hot railroad ties. We had a stretch of railroad that went nearly through the center of town. We had long been a lumbering region and the railroad was crucial. I used to walk a good stretch of that track at least three times a week. I even conquered the trestle. Nearly got hit by a train once too for my efforts.

There was literally tons of granite underneath that trestle. I would climb down the slope to go find me a few choice pieces to bring home as trophies. After I filled my pockets with those I would follow the river for awhile that would eventually spill me out near the dam. You had to be careful walking this stretch because some pockets of underground, bubbling springs were to be found. You’d sink in a good way if you weren’t careful. I used to challenge myself as to how long I could keep my feet in this icy water before the ache got to be too much.

Once I found the dam then it was a tarzan climb up the steep slope of a hill that I called “My Little Mountain”. This hill would be covered in daisies through the summer. I’d run through it and the grasshoppers would be so thick it looked like I was splashing with each step. Once I got near enough to the top I would lay back into these daisies facing the river below me. To a child’s eye and imagination that was a river of diamonds glistening up at me. On my mountain I felt rich. I would continue to lay there for a large chunk of time just listening to the mountain, daydreaming in the clouds and feeling complete.

When the sun got to a certain level even I knew it was time to venture back home. I would pick a huge bouquet of flowers and then take the more direct route home to save time. It never was as satisfying as going the narrow path with all the obstacles and experiences that got me there in the first place. I guess life is like that in a way. Take the path everyone else takes and you may miss the wonders that await you had you gone another way. Not to mention missing out on finding out just what you are capable of when faced with challenges. Well worn paths don’t stir up the imagination and give you fertile ground to dream with. I hope with age I haven’t lost that voyager spirit.

I see that spirit alive and well in my children. When I get to fretting about them I need to remember my own narrow path and all the blessings that were realized because of it. I pray their senses come alive with the kind of vibrancy I so vividly remember in my mind but so inadequately can express on paper.

God is good……all the time.

Richness-A repost

Today I am going to do a repost of a writing I did in a blog I used to keep awhile back. Just a little more insight into me. The picture of the rocker is the one I mention in this post.


Friday, August 15, 2008
Richness

I’ve been replaying memories in my head again of late. Thinking back hard on those growing up years, the early ones. It was apparent we were poor but at the same time there was always something to do so one really didn’t feel it all that strongly unless it was those horrible schoolyard comparisons that seemed to be so inevitable. Then I never measured up. At the time it bothered me. Today….not at all. We were a family just trying to survive. Hey, and we made it.


Some of the ways we had to go about making it weren’t things you went to talking about with others. It was just another way of drawing the lines of comparisons. But I do remember my parents receiving "commodities". I remember the cheese, peanut butter and karo syrup the most. The last two came in containers that looked like paint cans. The former was a huge block of crumbly cheddar. After the commodities there was a spell with food stamps. Oh how horrid that felt.


When I think back I can actually remember the articles of clothing I owned that were bought new. Otherwise the bulk of what we wore was all hand me downs from relatives and other families. I remember going all through first grade wearing boys dress shoes because that is what we had and they fit. Christmas was when we received new items of needed items. There would usually be one toy per kid to round off the Santa experience. Show-n-tell after Christmas break was always brutal. I’d see all these amazing toys that other kids got and would be scolded from the teacher for not bringing in my show-n-tell. I would take having her think I was just a forgetful child instead of telling her there really wasn’t anything to show. I never owned a Barbie, slinky, etch-a-sketch, magic 8 ball or any of those much sought after items of the time. It did kind of make me an outcast come play time. Maybe that is why I went so heavily into sports and tom-boy ways.


We heated with oil in the house in the earlier years and that particular house was drafty. Winters in northern Wisconsin can be brutal. The oil was used sparingly. I remember the winds picking up so bad you could see the linoleum lift up a bit on the floors because of the draft. During particularly harsh cold snaps my parents would heap atop our blankets in bed, all the winter coats and have we kids all in one bed to keep us warm at night.


Mom used to take in ironing. Weird to think someone could make extra coin doing that isn’t it? She had a few ladies from town who worked outside the home and had no time for ironing. So they would bring multiple baskets that she would pain stakingly make crisp and perfect. She tended to clothes we could only dream we owned. Our own laundry was always line dried because we didn’t own a dryer. Mom used to make sure to buy the laundry soap that had the free items in the box. I can’t remember the name of the brand, it was something like Oxydol or Duz. But the promotions would run items such as dishes, glasses or towels. We managed to acquire those items this way. Otherwise we were big users of jelly jars and such for our drinking glasses.


We had a HUGE garden every summer. I remember many hours out there weeding the thing. Dad had an OCD about weeds. He never even liked there to be foot tracks between the rows once the weeding was complete. The dirt was raked so perfect it looked like dark velvet. Come harvest time mom spent many hours canning up the goods so we would have the larder full to brimming for winter. We knew two families who had dairy cows and my folks bought raw milk from them cheap or would do a chore trade for it.


We ate well. No, we did not have any of those fun foods everyone else had such as the newly introduced convenience foods that were starting to make their way on store shelves, but mom was a good cook and made filling meals. Healthy? No. But filling. I especially liked baking day. Lots of cookies and breads and oh my did I love it when she made doughnuts. Our dinners were many soups and casseroles and made up, thrown together items that became favorite comfort foods. We used to even have butter and milk macaroni that was then fried up crunchy in butter. Sounds weird but it was good. That was an end of the month kind of meal when the pickin’s were getting slim before the next paycheck. Boxed cereals? Only as a rare treat. Otherwise it was oatmeal, cream of wheat or corn meal mush. I still like those items today.


We didn’t make much garbage back in those days. Everything, even packaging, found multiple uses. And we had a cobbler in town so even when dads shoes were wearing thin on the soles he would bring them in for fresh soles. Old man Ness. I remember his shop well and I loved the smell of it.


My folks didn’t own a car until I was probably close to 10 years old. Dad’s job was even within walking distance of home. Mom tells of how when I was born they had to borrow a car so she could get to the hospital in the middle of a snow storm. I’ve always liked my entrances to be memorable. LOL Mom never has had a drivers license.


We never took a family vacation. We would play in the snow in the winter and walk to the lake to swim in the summer. We would get the occasional treat of a cone at the local A&W and we visited with family who lived nearby. We had a book mobile that came to town and I used to devour that. And we just had the blessing of growing up in the prettiest country God placed down on earth. Lakes, rivers and streams were many and so many woods a body could easily step into them and within 5 minutes of walking not hear anything but nature. I had my collections that gave me pleasure in the looking at of them. Things like marbles so pure and true in their color they shined like jewels. Empty spools from thread, the kinds that were wood instead of todays plastic. They always sparked my imagination enough to create things from them. I made a whole family once with those and some scraps of yarn and fabrics. I had an empty ink bottle I had dug up out of the yard. Who knows how old it was. For me it came from a magical time. There was my worry stone. A beautiful round piece of sandstone I used to rub my thumb across when I was fretting about something and used it so often that it had a scoop to it from the rubbing. I had beads and trinkets found along the way. I really loved that old cigar box.


We had a television that got three channels on a clear day. Sometimes it took some aluminum foil around the rabbit ears and some tricky arranging of them there ears to get the channel in and if that didn’t quite get it sometimes the trick of turning the dial to the in between spot of the channels clinched it. Not a lot of time was spent at the tv.


I think back on all this and now I smile. Oh those conditions could have contributed to the anger often felt in the house at the time but I give my parents credit for raising four kids through it. Dad had a fourth grade education and was illiterate and mom got as far as eighth grade. Except for the ironing mom never worked outside the home. And dad had held two different jobs in all the time I knew him. He didn’t make much but it got us through.


As the years went by "things" started coming into the home. By then I was nearly out of the house and that dreaded beast the credit card came into being. When dad passed away he only left behind debt. Even his house went back to the bank. We divided up a few items from the house. I took a set of china we kids had bought my parents for their 25th wedding anniversary that my eldest daughter now has. And I took an old run down rocker that had belonged to my great-aunt that no one wanted. A few years ago Bob and Perry took that run down rocker and gave it a face lift. In fixing and restaining it Bob found the original tag on it. It was made in Superior Wisconsin in 1903. You should see how beautiful that chair is now. I consider it one of my treasures.


I feel bad for what my parents went through in the hardships but I am grateful and thankful to and for them also. Many of those experiences have shaped the kind of person I am today. It also prepared me for further hardships I would live in trying to raise my own kids in similar conditions of want. I have learned to not make the want my focus but instead the blessings that God pours out every day. I helped teach my kids about laughter. For all my shortcomings I know I gave them that gift. With that, bad times don’t have to be so bad and our poverty will only be in the possessions not of the soul. And, with that I plan on not leaving this planet in debt to creditors. I do plan on investing in my relationships.


Financially we are good. Great? No…but we settle for good just fine thank you. I think largely that is because we remember when. And we now have a sense of why. Not yesterdays whys…but todays and how that effects our tomorrows. That is not a bad place to be.


"Live simply so others may simply live"~Gandhi

Camping

We are still living in a bit of chaos around here with the visit of my daughter and son in law. My son is still camped out in the family room regardless of the fact that Erin and Jerry have been down in South Carolina for the last few days and are not due to come back this way until Tuesday. He would rather not have to go through the prep of the room once more and I think rather likes the martyr status for the moment hoping to milk it for everything he can get. His laziness extends out into how he makes his futon as well. We have sheets and blankets for him but he would rather unroll his sleeping bag. The early bachelor year behaviors are imprinted into male DNA of this I am sure. He also buys himself half gallons of sweet tea that he chugs right from the container. I’m not sure why he does this for it isn’t like he is the one doing the dishes. Perhaps I weaned him too early. Thank goodness his potty training went easy or who knows what other habits might have manifested.

But I digress. The whole reason I brought this up was as I was picking up the family room and stumbled across his wadded up sleeping bag in the corner (his version of making his bed) it brought to mind just how much I miss camping. This was an activity we would venture out to do every opportunity we had. In fact Kelsey was 2 weeks old when she experienced her first camping trip. My husband was in awe of his mountain girl wife who, while he was at work, managed to rustle up the four kids, get them to a campsite, set up our enormous tent and camp site all while chasing toddlers, directing a 10 year old and her attention span of a gnat and having a newborn attached to my breast AND had dinner cooking on the fire by the time he arrived after his work day. Dang, all these years later I am rather impressed with myself. Where did that girl with the energy and stamina go? Maybe there were hidden superhero powers in lactating.

Not all of our camping was done in a tent. There were our week long vacations in rented cabins. We are talking the no-frills variety. Not your half million dollar, luxury spots you find in the Poconos or Lake Tahoe. We are talking more like the little squat places next to Lake Where Have You Gone that may or may not have indoor plumbing. I LOVE those places. I used to daydream these were the places we would retire to. So small that you are forced to only have the absolute necessities with you and I found complete contentment in that. It is still my dream.

I love waking up to the sounds of loons on the lake, to sit and sip my morning coffee while hummingbirds flit about lapping up nectar and the peaceful feeling that washes over me when I see a doe and her fawn delicately approach the water’s edge to dip down and take a drink. I recall the misty morning when I spotted an eagle swoop down and catch its breakfast while my son and his father sat in the boat in the middle of the lake attempting to catch our evening meal. There is another memory of the time the kids took two of the paddle boats out and it wasn’t until they were already committed to the lake that my son and eldest daughter discovered their paddle boat was broke and all they could manage were very tight circles. The rest of us were no help for we were doubled in half laughing while their frustrations could be heard halfway around the lake.

Then there was the weekend get-away Bob and I took to a state park. This cabin was one of those with limited indoor plumbing. We had a kitchen sink to get water from but we had to haul the water out and as you may have guessed the potty was a short walk from the cabin. LOVED this place. We laugh about this particular trip often because of the neighbors we acquired. While he and I sat upon the picnic table (why is it one tends to plant their tush on the table instead of the bench) watching our campfire….a requirement to any camp trip is the hypnotizing stare into the flames that has you spilling out all sorts of tales about your life….when the neighbors arrived. To our right were the brothers. We were later to learn they were business partners who needed a vacation from the stress of their rigid existence. To our left, a couple near our age but who were apparently new in their relationship. It was very apparent the gentleman wanted to impress his lady love. First thing he did on this warm September day was try to create a mood by making a fire in the quaint woodstove that was in every cabin. Apparently he did not realize that these little cast-iron wonders throw off an amazing amount of heat…thus the reason they were made. He must have thought they were purely an ambiance and mood builder and he was hoping for an entirely different kind of heat. Not 15 minutes after we first spotted the smoke curling from the chimney did the windows to the cabin start flying open and first she and then he came running out onto their porch dripping in sweat. She looked less than amused and he looked a wee bit discouraged.

In the meantime the neighbors to the right are building their perfect fire. In fact they called it that….a perfect fire. They, in their quest to get away from their rigid lifestyle, spent a great deal of time sorting through and picking just the right pieces of wood to place in their fire pit. Each had to have the same length and relative circumference. They then began to make a Lincoln log fashioned tower of these perfect sticks before they ever so carefully laid match to this pyre of perfection. Then they stood back, each with martini in hand, and enthusiastically and victoriously commented on their perfect fire. They then would retreat to the cabin, for they couldn’t handle the smoke, and would only emerge when they saw the symmetry of their fire was in jeopardy and would place new pieces of wood to it regaining its perfection status again…stating that.. and then retreat again. This went like this all evening. Bob and I just sat atop our table, sipping our beverages and smiling.

Well now the gentleman to our left is hoping to redeem himself of his first misjudgment and decides to make yet another attempt with fire. Yep, the fire pit was now calling to him. Whereas our neighbors to the right were perfectionists in their pyro undertakings…neighbor to the left was not as concerned. We are guessing his career trade has something to do with construction work because from the back of his truck he proceeded to bring out armloads of various end pieces of lumber. He would walk over to the pit and just drop the entire contents of his arms into the pit and then run back for more. He did this until the pile was about half as tall as him. Bob and I just looked at each other trying to contain our laughter. We were quite content and entertained sitting on our table watching this all unfold. It wasn’t until gentleman on the left emptied half a can of lighter fluid onto his tower of lumber and was about to strike a match that Bob and I decided to maybe place a bit more distance between ourselves and our neighbor but not too far that we couldn’t watch. When that match hit that pile it was like a solar flare had gone off. We are talking nuclear. We are still trying to remember if gentleman on the left had eyebrows when he first arrived.

Neighbor to the left never did acquire a twinkle to the eye before weekends end and neighbor to the right still looked quite stressed. We are thinking if the two neighbors had perhaps shared fire techniques and met somewhere in the middle they all would have been better for it. Bob and I? Well we had a perfect weekend. Can’t wait to do it again.

Priorities

My house is trashed. At last count there are three dogs, four cats and seven humans roaming around this place. The dogs mean three crates and with the cats we are talking numerous feed and water dishes. My daughter and her husband are homeless until they arrive in Germany so they are traveling rather heavy. Much of it was dumped into not only the house but Bob’s garage as well and they are hoping to sort through, box and ship the contents ahead to themselves. They have taken over my sons room who has set up residence in our family room. With that means a futon set up as a bed and numerous baskets of clothing placed aside for himself so he doesn’t have to be running to his room all the time for his stuff. This also means that his electronics surround him which means laptops, games and Ipod. He is also a snacker. Yep…food stuffs. I’ll state it again, my house is trashed.

I’m doing the best I can to try picking up and organize (I never knew I had a slight OCD quality in this area) and I do it whenever people are either sleeping or running around. I am finding this is a losing battle. I feel like I’m trapped in that 50’s classic “The Blob” and the stuff is just taking over and devouring everything in its path. Eeeks.

This morning I realized there is no point in “letting” this condition consume me. I have only a short time with my daughter before she moves half a planet away from me. Am I really going to waste my time worrying about the condition the house is getting itself? I guess I have that whole Mary/Martha thing kind of going for me. So…I am not going to worry about the tasks for the rest of the visit. I am going to be blessed in the time we have with each other instead and drink in every moment I can. The house will always be here waiting to be tended to. My daughter is only here a short time.

I love having my entire family under one roof. There is nothing better.

Arrival

Today I am far too excited to be able to formulate a thought and write it down. Why am I in this state? Because my oldest child and her husband are due to arrive this evening. Woot-woot!!!

They are both serving our country so visits are not as often as a mother would like. The hardest time thus far has been her tour in Iraq. They are arriving here for a lengthier visit than usual because come the first week in February they then fly to Germany for their next assignment. They are to be there for 3 years. Of course they still are looking at possible deployment during that time to any of the hot spots which is something I like to not think about.

So…for the next few weeks….I am just going to be seriously greedy with the time I am allowed to spend with my first born. I will keep you all posted.

Here is a picture of her when she was in Iraq.

His Ways are Better

As some people might have guessed I am never far from my bible. I own several in fact. I even have one that is just the right size to fit into my purse and there is one in my glove compartment. The car actually came with the bible. The dealership we buy from is owned by a Christian and he makes sure every car comes with one. I would be lost without my bible and I am talking more than the physical sense. We all would be lost without the Word and its living truth.

You would think a woman who has as many bibles as I do would be able to quote scripture by memory at least a little wouldn’t you? Not me….not a bit. I have to go to my bible, open its pages and ask the Spirit to direct me to where He would like me to go. I am totally dependent on that.

It used to frustrate me that I was not like some people I know who can rattle off chapter and verse like they are sharing their phone number and address. I thought there was something deficient in me to not be able to do that. I even questioned whether I was a good Christian to not be able to do that. A weird notion I know but yet it nagged at me. I would sit there day after day praying for and attempting to memorize verses and it was like my brain had a Teflon coating and nothing would stick.

Along with this inability to memorize scripture I was also unaware of what my spiritual gifts may be. Again, people I know can tell me what gifts God has given them and can claim they see certain gifts in me but I am totally unaware of what my gifts are. I pray Gods will in my life, for it to be He who lives in me and I am open to being used for His glory so if there are gifts being lived out through me it is He and I guess I don’t have to be able to list what gifts I think He has given me. Maybe it is good that I cannot do so otherwise there is a risk of thinking it is of myself rather than of Him. I can be a boob sometimes.

It has been a recent revelation to me that memorizing scripture is just not something I am meant to do right now. What I am to always be doing is seeking and being transformed by the Word. If I became “knowledge” based there is the danger of it not reaching my heart and then I would be like a Pharisee. I’ve known a few people who have used scripture to back up their opinions and agendas instead of applying it in their lives and listening for what God would have us do and be. Sounds to me like memorization runs a person the risk of then becoming to self-assured instead of God assured.

I have grown quite content in my inability to memorize. Where I once saw it as a defect I now see it as a gift. Nothing fills my heart and soul as does this dependency on running to the Word for comfort, guidance, healing and praise. So, all that praying I did to be able to memorize…… God did answer my prayer….He just said not now. He knows me completely in ways I am not even aware of myself. His way is perfect and His plans are flawless. I rest in that securely and with joy.

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.